Her parents gone, a Myanmar student prays for the return of a father lost in conflict

Every year on the anniversary of her father’s disappearance, Shan Mae Lay prepares food and offers it to Buddhist monks. For months after he vanished, she recited protective Buddhist prayers, hoping they might somehow guide him home. More than three years later, she still refuses to give up. “My mother has passed away, so I know she can’t come back,” the 20-year-old said quietly, her eyes filling with tears. “But for my father, I am still hoping that if he can return, he will.” For Shan Mae Lay, hope has become a way of living with uncertainty. Born to a Ta’ang father from northern Shan State and a Bamar mother from Myanmar’s central Dry Zone, she grew up in Khin-U Township in Sagaing Region. Shan Mae Lay is her nickname, referring to both her father’s ethnic background and her petite frame. The upheaval that followed Myanmar’s 2021 military coup reshaped her life. Only months after the coup, her mother—who had a chronic kidney illness—died during the COVID-19 pandemic. Shan Mae Lay was just 15. Afterward, her father became both parents at once. He woke early each morning to cook rice and prepare meals before leaving for work. He took on whatever jobs he could find, from driving hired tractors to hauling sacks of rice, determined that his daughter would never feel the absence of her mother. “He was like both a mother and a father to me,” she said. Now living with relatives of her late mother, Shan Mae Lay remains active in her community (Photo: Pan Chi / Myanmar Now) That life unravelled on May 5, 2023. Her 50-year-old father left home before dawn with two other men on a farm tractor to buy vegetables for food that would be served at a friend’s son’s wedding. According to Shan Mae Lay and relatives, the group accidentally entered Ywarthitkone, a village in Khin-U Township that was then controlled by the military-backed Pyu Saw Htee militia. Her aunt later learned from the tractor driver, who escaped, that he had walked ahead to check road conditions before fleeing after hearing seven gunshots. Shan Mae Lay’s father and another passenger disappeared. Without recovering the bodies or receiving any official information, the family has never learned whether the two men were killed or taken away. “It was only when I came home from school that afternoon that I learned my father had been arrested and shot,” she said. “To this day, I regret not stopping him from going.” The disappearance came during one of the bloodiest periods of fighting in Sagaing Region. After the military seized power in February 2021, certain villages in Khin-U Township became known locally as strongholds of the Pyu Saw Htee. Together with junta soldiers, militia members carried out raids on neighbouring villages, torching homes, arbitrarily arresting civilians, and carrying out torture and killings. Since then, resistance forces have expanded their control over parts of Khin-U Township. Several former militia strongholds have fallen, while junta forces remain concentrated in the town of Khin-U and a handful of nearby villages. Helping with chores (Photo: Pan Chi / Myanmar Now) But for families like Shan Mae Lay’s, shifting front lines have brought few answers. Despite years without contact, rumours that some captives may still be alive have helped sustain her belief that her father could one day return. “I kept thinking, ‘Who can I rely on now that my father is gone?’” she said. “’I have no one left to rely on.’” She now lives with her mother’s older sister and extended family. Her aunt remembers the devotion her brother-in-law showed his only daughter. The Ta’ang labourer had left his hometown in Kyaukme Township to settle with his wife’s family in central Myanmar, building a life through manual work despite persistent poverty. “They gave her everything they could,” her aunt said. “Even if they struggled, they never wanted her to feel she lacked anything.” The aunt still clings to hope herself. “I also keep waiting for him,” she said. “Even if he is alive, we cannot go and bring him back. We are powerless. But of course I hope he is still alive.” Before the coup, Shan Mae Lay excelled in school, earning academic awards while attending a government middle school. Today she studies in Grade 12 at an interim school established under the National Unity Government while helping her relatives with farm work during school breaks. She dreams of a future beyond the conflict. After graduating, she says, she would like to receive vocational training and eventually work in Japan. “My future isn’t gone,” she said firmly. “If something doesn’t work out, I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself. I just start over.” A quiet moment at home, where Shan Mae Lay continues to pray for her father’s return (Photo: Pan Chi / Myanmar Now) Her aunt says Shan Mae Lay rarely reveals her grief in front of others. Instead, she carries it quietly. Sometimes, she admits, she envies her cousin, who still falls asleep beside her mother each night. “When she sleeps closely beside her mother, I can’t help but feel envious,” Shan Mae Lay said. When memories become overwhelming, she visits the home where she once lived with her parents. There, she imagines ordinary moments they shared before war and loss overtook their lives. The conflict continues to shape daily life in Khin-U Township. Although resistance forces control much of the surrounding countryside, residents still fear military airstrikes and attacks by armed drones. Across Myanmar, thousands of families remain separated by war, many still waiting to learn whether missing loved ones are alive or dead. Had the military not seized power, Shan Mae Lay believes she would now be studying at a teacher-training college. She has long wanted to teach children. Instead, she is learning to build a future while carrying unanswered questions about the past. Speaking softly through tears, she offered one final thought about the men who took her father away. “Those who used weapons to shoot my innocent father and others,” she said, “will eventually get their turn to feel the same pain.”

Her parents gone, a Myanmar student prays for the return of a father lost in conflict

Shan Mae Lay’s mother and father were both taken from her after the coup, but she still has hopes of seeing her father again

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